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….but didn’t.

  1. Hi Steve. No we can’t do that. I don’t care how mad you’re getting, our websites clearly say NO RUSH ORDERS. I don’t care what event you have coming up because EVERYONE has an event. Everyone has a play date. Everyone has a thing. You’re not more important than anyone else, so I’m not bumping you up ahead of everyone else and their events, just because you send more emails about it than they do. See…I had kids… so whining doesn’t work.

2. Hello Mr. E. Yes yes yes I’m sure you’re a very talented businessman who knows better than me how to run my business. But I’m still not going to do things your way. Not because I know what Im doing, OH NO! it couldn’t be that of course, what woman could possibly know what she’s doing? I’m just lucky I made it this far after 20 years, right? Actually, the REAL reason I’m not going to run my business your way is because I created my business model just for the sole purpose of irritating you.

3. Hi Anna! No, we aren’t going to change out all the lightbulbs in a kit for more electrodes. No, there are no substitutions because its a package deal. I frankly do not care about your freaking wishlist with its unrealistic substitutions and weed-smoking alternative pricing. Stop trying to invent things that aren’t there-your only decision is whether to buy or not buy from what you see available.

4. WHOA Bill. You get the normal guarantee against defect, and the manufacturer’s warranty of 1 year, automatically. But you have to activate the free lifetime extended warranty by registering. Of course you failed to register, but HEY GUESS WHAT? I’m not responsible for your failures! You and I both know you have NEVER mailed in a warranty card for a toaster or a vacuum cleaner either, but for some reason, I’m the only company you think has to cover for your adult decision not to mail your warranty card. I have two words for you.

5. Linda, I can tell you’re upset. But come on, you haven’t read a single article or manual or insert or product description, and you’re frustrated because this is all new and you are rushing. You’re just doing it wrong. I’ve already explained in emails what to do to get the results you want. But since you won’t take any time at all to read a thing that I write, I’m going to return the favor.

6. Dear Xanadu Delorean, you sent me a wand to be repaired saying it ‘stopped working’. When it arrives I see you dropped it. I know what fall damage is versus ‘stopped working’. I can tell what it looks like when you try to open it and pull the wires from the coil, and I can tell what it looks like when you forget about it and leave it plugged in for a week. I can’t be fooled. But hey, 2/10 for effort and thanks for the gift of parts.

7. Danny, nope, you are not ‘the victim here’. Sometimes one handblown electrode isn’t quite the same as another, because ITS AN ART. Some variations are expected. Grow the f— up. ‘Victim’ my ass.

8. Hi Melanie. Well, our policies clearly say we don’t do that, so don’t keep sending me emails to ask. I dont care about your threats that you are a long standing blah blah blah and will ruin my business blahblahblah all over the retardweb if I dont do it, and the answer is still no. This type of consumer extortion doesn’t work on me. Maybe its because I’m an autistic genius who can’t be manipulated, or I should find out what time the movie starts if I’m going this weekend.

9. Lord DeRayng, What do you mean “It shouldn’t take this long!” How do you know how long it should take? Do you have a big crystal ball you pulled out your ass? You’re not the only client, you’re not the only service issue, you don’t have any idea where you are in the queue or how hard we’re working, so your bluster is..(pay attention now)…100% useless. Here’s a novel idea: treat my business like a business…pretend I’m Hewlett Packard and you’ve sent in a printer for servicing.

10. Ed, Ed, Ed. I know you missed out on a Pulse wand again this year and you’ve been putting yourself on the waitlist for three years in a row. There will never be enough to go around, and your obscenities are uncalled for. More than 400 people are signed up and we only make a few per year. Here, have a hankie, and you can’t sign up next year because I just banned you.

11. oh my my, Judeee, my my my. You’ve been talking smack about me and my products for years and now you want to buy something –for the first time–? It’s downright orgasmic that I get to tell you ‘no’ and return your money and help you stick to your principles.

12. Wands that burn up in a house fire are not covered by warranty. Fuck outa here.

And one that I DID write..

Mr. T, what are you talking about???

We sent your brand new wand to the exact address you told us to send it to. I sent a brand new wand because we couldn’t fix your old one to my standards.
It was delivered and You signed for it. I have attached the proof of your signature. MY service was perfect.  You have nothing to complain about.
But it took longer than I wanted it to take‘ is not a valid complaint. Your personal timetable has no effect on my business or my company’s timetables. No amount of whining makes things happen faster here. 
I can’t imagine where I’d be if I let my clients decide how to run my business. So Let’s be clear before you purchase anything else from me; I am the only person who calls the shots for my business and its timetables, and if you don’t like a woman calling the shots over her own company timetables and schedules for repairs, please purchase elsewhere.

Wanda

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